"Well, there is such a thing as a false positive.”
Amazingly, it did not even occur to me in the moment that this was a totally fucked up thing to say. I had to relate the conversation to a couple of friends who were both totally appalled before I even really thought about it.
But you know, the fact that this is the kind of thing my mother says? Probably not unrelated to the fact that I peed on three different sticks that morning and control tested my tap water just to be sure.
Whenever people say, “Whatever you do [in regards to parenting], it will be fine,” I think, No! I can definitely make things worse! WHY DO YOU THINK I’M SO CRAZY.
As my sister says, at least (she has anxiety, too), probably getting treatment for my anxiety is the best thing I can do, because it makes it less likely that I will reinforce via modeling any genetic predispositions that AJ may have gotten from me.
In retrospect, I REALLY should not have read Alison Bechdel’s Are You My Mother? when AJ was three months old. Great book. If you have a worsening anxiety disorder and a newborn, for the love of god, don’t read it.
the cute dress I found at the flea market yesterday?
Tried it on last night, planning to wear it to Pride if practical, and was pleasantly surprised to find that although it was a size small, it fit me quite comfortably with only a little bit of stretch around the butt area. (My butt is not small.) Plus, it was a really good style of dress for me.
So I went upstairs to show my mom, and she said, “Oh, yeah, that looks good. And I know you’re trying to lose some weight, so a couple more pounds and it’ll look great!”
My thought process:
1) I’m not trying to lose weight. I don’t know what gave you that impression; I exercise because if I don’t, my sciatica will undoubtedly flare up again and that shit is unpleasant.
2) Fuck waiting; I’m wearing it NOW.
And I did. And it looked fabulous, despite the fact that a large chunk of the day was technically too cold to wear the dress and I had to wear a jacket. I feel fucking sexy in this dress, and I plan to wear it more often, stretch or no stretch.
I went shopping with my mother for a dress to wear to a wedding next weekend. She expressed a preference for one dress but when I turned was all, “Oh, but it emphasizes your tummy so maybe you should get the other one.”
1) The other dress was pretty much made out of exactly the same kind of stretchy fabric; I just hadn’t turned sideways in it.
2) My tummy exists. That is all.