on academic insecurity.
It seems like all the other women in their early 20’s in my cohort are constantly going on and on about how they’re not good enough to be here, how they feel misplaced, how everyone else is better than them, and it kind of bums me out because we’re the only demographic who seems to have this particular social media skill in our wheelhouse.
It also makes me somewhat uncomfortable, because I feel like I’m alienating myself by not participating in this particular ritual - a la the body-berating scene in Mean Girls - but, frankly, I don’t feel awful about myself, and if I did, I’d keep it to myself. But every so often, I get this nagging feeling that I don’t feel this way because I’m doing something wrong, somewhere along the line.
Realistically, it’s probably that: a) this isn’t the field I plan on working in, so I’m not all that worked up about proving myself, and b) I was admitted early and heavily recruited to come here, so, you know, we’re starting at a base-line knowledge that they think I’m better than adequate. But what if I’m missing something? Is this how the Debbie Downer Facebook statuses start?
Wow, this is interesting. I have NEVER heard anyone in my cohort say they thought they didn’t belong in our program although I’m sure plenty of people were thinking it—despite the constant repetition of how non-combative my program is by everyone, I think we all knew that showing that degree of weakness would not work out well. (My program is highly ranked and also HUGE, and funding is a giant fucking mess. That’s a pretty major gloss but I don’t really want to get into our internal politics other than to say they are pretty tortured.)
BUT, what I do ALWAYS hear people say, any time a social gathering breaks apart, is “omg I have so much work to do.” This never fails, and it really doesn’t matter how much actual the work the person a) has on their plate or b) plans to actually do in the next 24 hours. You could be going home to feed the cat and watch Roseanne, but if you don’t add your voice to the ritual bemoaning as the group disperses, you’ll be forever branded That Slacker Grad Student (or possibly the Stuck-Up Hot Shit, depending on how well you seem to be doing).
Graduate school culture is, in my opinion, dysfunctional in a lot of ways, and graduate school—at least here—is NOT designed to actually help anyone struggling with imposter syndrome, often informed by class, race, or gender inequality. (Think that wouldn’t happen in sociology? When I was a 1st or 2nd year grad student, I said something in at a seminar meeting and everyone basically ignored me. An older male professor essentially restated my point a couple of minutes later, and everyone fell all over themselves commenting on his insight—I was fortunate in that a much older female professor, who brought her knitting to every meeting, looked up at that point and snapped, “CABELL JUST SAID THAT.” Most of the time, you don’t get that. And I’m a middle-class White woman whose parents are academics.)
Like most of our social structure, graduate education is set up to make things harder for people who are in any way marginalized. So while I do have a pretty healthy self image, I can also sympathize with people who feel for whatever reason that they don’t belong here; one never knows all the underlying issues informing that sense.
